Do you love your husband the way he needs to be loved? In this post I share 3 things I learned about how to love my husband by asking him what he needs! #marriage #loveyourhusband

How to Love Your Husband (the way he wants to be loved!)

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Do you know how to love your husband the way he needs to be loved?

I’m not asking this as a rhetorical question, as if I have the answers. I have definitely not “arrived” in this area. Honestly, when I thought about how to love my husband the way he needs to be loved, I was struggling to answer the question myself.

My husband is my best friend. As my most valuable relationship, I want my marriage to be one that is thriving, enjoyable, and of high priority.

Rather than assuming I should love him in a certain way, I decided to go straight to the source and find out his thoughts on how he needed to be loved. Interestingly he was able to pull his top 3 rather quickly.

How to Love Your Husband (the Way He Needs to Be Loved)

Do you know how to love your husband the way he needs to be loved in marriage? Here are a few tips on how to love your man , even when it's hard! #freeprintable #marriage #loveyourhusband #strongmarriage

Here were his responses:

“Honor & Respect Me”

I was truly not surprised by this answer. 1 Peter 3:1 calls us to do exactly what he was requesting. Knowing that this is a biblical command does not make it any easier for me as a strong-willed woman. Just as Eve rose up against Adam, I find myself rising up against my husband, which usually leads to dishonor and disrespect….the exact opposite of what I am looking to do.

Many times we find it hard to honor and respect our husbands when we feel like they are not behaving in a way that is deserving of these actions.

To better equip myself, I recently read a book called Liberated Through Submission. It’s not an easy read by any means, but Bunny (the author) shares some life-changing truths that opened my eyes to what honoring my husband means. Here’s what she had to say:

“We may not respect our husbands for the type of men they are, for their decisions or their leadership. However, God demands that we respect the position he has placed them in as husbands. I asked the Lord, “Does this mean that I am to stand whenever my husband walks into a room? He replied, “No, but your spirit should. Your spirit should stand in honor, and bow in respect. When you vowed to Me that you were accepting him as your husband ‘until death do us part’ he became the head of you and your home.” (Wilson loc. 1390)

Her words challenged me. I was truly amazed by the revelation God had given her. It was one of those “aha” moments for me. It became very clear that my internal responses to my husband were just as important as my external responses.

Honor is an issue of the heart. Are you loving your husband well? #marriage #loveyourhusband #keepmarriagestrong

The way I honor my husband is a direct reflection of the honor that I give to God. And God me to love my husband the way He loves me.

“Pursue & Admire Me”

If I’m being honest, this one seemed a little labor-intensive for me.

I was uncertain what he meant by pursue him.

I’m trying to pursue Jesus, my dreams, take care of the children, and the list goes on and on. 

How could I add one more person’s needs to this list? And, by the way, isn’t the man supposed to pursue the woman?

Just as I had those thoughts, I realized how shallow they were.

Being married isn’t about getting something from the other person, but giving 100% of yourself to them.

That is so easy to forget when you’re bogged down with numerous responsibilities.

Besides my relationship with Christ, my marriage is the most important relationship I have. Yet, I have been consistently putting him on the back burner.

Yet another “aha” moment.

This is the very thing he’s been trying to communicate to me.

It’s as if he was saying, “Alisa, notice me. Look at me like you did when we first started dating. Admire me as a man.”

After having a pile of kids, I had placed my hubby last on the list and he was feeling it.

Although men don’t usually show a ton of emotions, they still have them.

As I listened to my husband talk, it saddened me that he felt I had, in a sense, abandoned him for other “more important” things.

My goal now is to put him back in his rightful place, pursuing him as if we were dating.

Men don’t have a high need to speak a lot of words, but I will tell you this….they need words spoken to them.

They need to hear, “Honey, you are hot! You are a strong, godly man and I am so blessed to be the woman by your side!” 

Try it! I dare you. 

You will unlock something in him that you’ve never expected. When you love your husband by pursuing him it communicates admiration and attraction for him.

This is definitely something I will be working on.

“Initiate and Cultivate Intimacy with Me”

 I honestly thought this one would be first.

We all know that men have a high need for sex in marriage.

What I didn’t expect, was for him to use the word intimacy.

He wasn’t just talking about desiring sex, although that is most definitely included. He wants closeness with me and he wants me to initiate it.

It goes back to my pursuit of him.

He wants to know that I am still attracted to him and that I am interested in him.

He wants to spend time with me, even if we aren’t talking. I know, bizarre right?

What could this look like?

A friend of mine did something so strange last year for her husband; at least it was strange to me!

She decided to go hunting with him.

Now you have to know, this friend is a girly girl. She doesn’t like bugs or hanging out in the woods. Her idea of fun is shopping and staying in nice, clean hotels.

Yet, she agreed to go hunting to “get into her husband’s world.”

He had been asking for years and she finally agreed.

I have to admit I was a little concerned that this would turn out to be a disaster for them.

However, to my surprise, they both talked about this experience for months!

It created a bond between them that neither expected.

Our husbands want to enjoy intimate moments with us. They want us to willingly come along for the ride in their “territories” without having to beg us to do it.

Have you had this conversation with your spouse?

Do you ever ask him how you can love him better?

I encourage you to ask. You may be surprised by his answers.

Even if the responses above are not on his list, I would still incorporate them.

Seeing you initiate closeness with him, will nurture the relationship and boost his confidence.

Why not start today? Learning to love him better will not only light a spark in his eyes but also in your marriage!

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  1. Alisa -just wanted you to know I found you at #MeCoffeeandJesus Link-up today and I am hopping over to finish reading on your friends site. 🙂 Blessings

      1. Alisa – we must linkup around the same time because I am your neighbor again at #CoffeeForYourHeart and #WomenWithIntention I guess I needed to re-read your post and be reminded of things I can do to love my husband well. Thanks again for such wonderful yet easy to follow tips.

    1. Your post just made me realize how much I’ve dis
      honored my husband….I even honour my pastor than my husband. Oh dear Lord, please forgive for dishonoring my, forgive me. I will do better please help me Lord. In Jesus mighty name. Amen.

  2. Dear, sweet friend! I am SO thankful to finally have been able to find your blog tonight. You have been so kind to leave such encouragement for me, and each time I would click on the link, it wasn’t working and would not take me to your website. Tonight, praise God, I finally found your blog when you started following on Pinterest. Am now following you there and here, also. I cannot tell you how much your encouragement has meant to me, and I thank the Lord for allowing our paths to cross. Looking forward to many more visits. God bless you abundantly!

    1. Cheryle, thank you for your kind words!! Sorry I’m just responding. I switched hosts on my website, so I haven’t been able to respond before now. I look forward to connecting with you!! Have a great week!

  3. Hi, Alisa. I’m very glad I found you through the #Shine100 Blog Hop. I really enjoyed your post ‘How to Love Well as a Wife’ and especially liked your pdf, ’10 Ways to Pursue Your Husband.’ Thanks so much for the work you put into preparing it. I’m so looking forward to more of your posts.

    1. Thanks Aliyah! I’m so glad you found it helpful! Honestly, it was helpful for me too! This turned into a process where my hubby and I went through a series of questions to better understand how to love/ serve each other. I’m considering doing another post on how to serve your husband well. Stay tuned!

  4. This was such a great post! I’m always drawn to blog posts that help others to enrich their marriage! Thanks for linking up to the weekend wind down link party! We’d love for you to link back to use on your”Weekly Linkups” page so that we can feature you! Hope you have a fabulous! week!

    1. Hey Danielle! I didn’t even know you had a linkup, I’m not sure how you found my post. I just visited your site and linked up and added you to my weekly link up list page! Thanks for stopping by though. I look forward to linking up each week. =)

  5. Love and Respect by Eggrichs came into our marriage at the 8 year Mark and helped open my eyes to what my husband had been trying to tell me all along. Credit to you for listening straight from the source.

  6. Thanks Alisa for this great post. Really helpful and I must admit that I’m guilty when it comes to Loving my husband the way he wants to be loved.
    I went ahead to donwload the 10ways to pursue your husband which i totally agree but what happens in a case where he’s a stay home dad and I’m the working career mum.
    How do i handle points 3, 4, 9 and 10?

    1. Hey Michelle! I think you can still do these 4 things in your situation! As a stay at home mom, I know I greatly appreciate when my husband Recognizes my efforts in the home. I’m sure he would love a shoulder massage (many men have physical touch as their love language) or a kind word to express your gratitude for his efforts! As far as the dinner, perhaps you could get a babysitter and plan a meal out for the two of you. He may be ready to get out of the house!

  7. So many things for me to really put into practice immediately. So many things I had not considered until just now. Thank you for allowing God to reveal to you my role as a wife that I so often neglect.

  8. This was perfect. Wish I had read this years ago! We’ve been married 35 years. My husband cherishes me so well. He too has told me these are the things he needs. They are SO not my default! Now after all these years, on this side of marriage, I need to learn to love him well. Thank you for all these things you’ve written. exactly what I need. It’s funny how whenever we sacrifice what we want for someone else’s needs like wives to husbands, there is a fountain of joy we discover we would never have found any other way. Along with strength and honor. My husband isn’t forced to honor me he just does. I’m the most important thing to him because he trusts me as his life partner given by God. This article will allow me to love him well though this life on Earth. Thank you for that! Don’t stop what you do, you’re right on target.

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